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Porn Almost Ruined My Marriage

Porn Almost Ruined My Marriage

I remember like it was yesterday, I was 12 years old and we lived in an apartment complex just outside of Cleveland. I was always so anxious when it was time for people to move out of their apartments. The maintenanace men would somwtimes forget to lock the doors giving us unlimited access to vacant homes.

My buddies and I would go searching through closets and cabinets in search of the promised land for 12-year-old boys. Porn! Videos, magazines, or old photographs you name it we just wanted a peek at it. And there was always something to find.

Immediately I was hooked. And before long I had accumulated a nice stash of about 20 magazines, mostly Playboy and Hustler that I used to keep hidden in a bag underneath my bathroom sink.

By high school, my friends and I had graduated to strictly adult movies. Even establishing a trading system between one another based on our interests. And when streaming finally came about I was really hooked.

While most of my friends spent their weekends at football games and the movie theatre I secretly spent my time in my room watching porn.

As time moved on so did my addiction to porn. When I would meet my future wife in college she had no idea the number of adult movies I was watching to keep my mind occupied. She just figured that’s just what men did. I couldn’t have been watching more than the average guy is what we both thought.

Our first two years…

Our first two years of marriage went pretty smooth but then something happened. I started to get into more hardcore porn. I had an insatiable urge to act out the things I was watching on the screen with my wife. My wife was not into most of the things I liked, like anal, choking, spitting, and swallowing to name a few. I don’t want to be graphic but I felt as my wife she would be the perfect person for me to act out my fantasies with.

Something about boy, boy, girl sex has always turned me on. A friend of mine reached out via DM and tolf me he had met a girl who was ready to do everything I had asked my wife to try with me. I can’t lie I was intrigued and the planning process began on when and where we would meet up for our tryst.

Things changed in our home. My wife started asking me more questions about my day. What I was feeling and what I thought could be worked on in our marriage, In my head, I wanted one thing, for her to try the things I asked so I wouldn’t have to do it with someone else.

In hindsight, it was nothing but God who was showing me my wife was interested in knowing me. She was worried about me and what would become of our marriage. She wanted me to understand what we could and couldn’t do at this time sexually. In that moment, I didn’t care. I was selfish. I wanted what I thought were my needs met. Then just one day before I met up with my friend and out female conquest my wife stood in front of the door as I was headed out to the gym.

She said, ” I know I never do this but I checked your phone”. I was livid. How dare she invade my privacy. She looked calm. Reached out her hand and said, “you don’t have to do this. I’m not against your fantasies but how you got them. Are they even yours? Or something you’ve watched so many times has perverted you into thinking this is what our sex life should be?” Exaggerated emotions with no passion?

I had to stop and think. I had been watching pron so long she was right. I didn’t know what I liked, I’d only known what I think I liked. I knew I wanted to try any fantasies I did have with someone who cares about me and not someone whom I may never see again.

It was also at that moment she gave me a choice. I could leave and do whatever I had planned to do or I could come and see a therapist with her and visit her church. I was never religious but I knew if there was an issue in marriage my grandmother used to say take it to God. I thought about it but her conditions were fair. Monica let me know a therapist was first but God would be a big part of our lives and not just hers. Needless to say, I was skeptical.

Therapy was like one of those best kept secrets. I was able to tell him all of my thoughts without fear of judgement. Turns out Monica wasn’t judging me either.She wanted to help me understand that sex and love making are two different things. She taught me how to treat her, how to take my time and really enjoy every piece of her body.

Then something magical happened…

the more love and attention I put into our marriage the better our sex life became. As I’ve matured I’ve come to realize how porn is just paid actors, acting out a fantasy. But in real life, women want to be seen as people, not objects. Yes, women love sex just as much as men but they do not want their bodies used and toyed with. They want real connection and trust. And if you can give them that then ooooh that’s when you’ve cracked the code. She will be willing to give you all of her.

It’s been two years since our first therapy session and I’d never imagine that we’d understand each other this much. Monica never stopped believing in me, praying with me, and letting me know when something wasn’t going to work.

They say marriage is hard work and I think we’ve earned the good parts.

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